GOD SPEAKS: Part II of "From Death Wish to New Life"

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"For the first time in my life, I did not wish I was dead."

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After graduating from secondary school, Marni tried a bit of college, a bit of partying, different jobs, just making her way in the world, but nothing changed the way she felt about herself. She still wished every day that she was dead. As young adults we spent some time sharing rent in Kelowna, where I watched as a dark and heavy depression would sometimes envelop her and she would disappear into her room, and I knew that I had to leave her alone. In those days I had no idea that she utterly rejected herself. I'm so thankful now that suicide was out of the question for her!

Marni always valued family very highly and that never changed. She recommitted her life to God after straying slightly away for a very short time, and she was convinced of one thing: if she could just get married, have six children and go out into the world, perhaps overseas, as a missionary and share her love of Jesus, she would be happy. She tried and had boyfriends, but that special relationship was elusive. Finally, when she was 31 or 32 years old, she met a man at church, dated him for a while and got engaged. It looked like at last it was going to happen, but suddenly his feelings changed; in fact they were simply gone. This was devastating and she felt desperate to restore the relationship. She maxed out her credit card buying clothes to look more attractive, did whatever she could, but nothing was helping, and the stress was wreaking havoc in her body, especially in the form of back pain. Furthermore, she could barely concentrate at work and was close to losing her job. She shared that she felt like she needed to just go admit herself into the hospital and crash. Coming completely to the end of herself, she cried out to God.

God heard Marni's cry, and he answered her. In her mind she heard him say, "I want you to just go home and sit in your pain." That does not sound like the hoped for solution, but thoroughly broken, in faith, she obeyed. Once she got alone with God in her apartment, he began to give her a vision. She saw her heart with tough, strong roots growing around and into it, choking it. She asked God what that was, and he told her those were "roots of death." She asked if he would do something with them. Immediately she saw them slide effortlessly out and off of her heart! She was instantly transformed. She said to me, "For the first time in my life, I did not wish I was dead." As I write those words now, I am struck again emotionally with the amazing thing that it is: The little girl who would choke herself. The new lease on life!

Her mind was suddenly made clear, she knew exactly what to do and she had the resolve to take action without delay. She abandoned the failing relationship, switched churches and began participating in activities that she loved in the new environment: drama, volleyball, coffees out with a vibrant group of young people. She also surrendered her desire to be married and sought instead to minister to people with whom she would not normally connect, such as a lonely lady who needed a friend.

So of course what happened? Free, happy and confident, within about two months she met her future husband! She assures me that they never would have connected before the miraculous healing of her heart. He shares that when he saw her at volleyball, he thought to himself, "She's way out of my league, but I have to try!" She rebuffed his first attempt to approach her, but soon they were conversing over coffee with the post-volleyball social crowd and shortly after that they were dating and quickly knew they were made for each other. It is so pleasant to report that they have been married for over twenty years now. They started a family of their own, and naturally life is not without trials, but I remember her saying not long ago that she cannot imagine being married to anyone else.

Marni continues to minister the love and hope of Jesus to anyone whom God puts in her path, and keeps looking to the future with faith and anticipation for whatever is meant to be on the next leg of the journey.