From Death Wish to New Life, Part I

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There is hope. There is help. There is healing.

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As I said in my last post, as far back as she could remember, Marni wished that she was dead; her self-hatred caused her to believe that it would have been better if she had never come into the world at all. Ninth born and the baby of the family, no one meant to hurt her, nor did any of us realize just how much she was suffering. In secret she would punish herself with physical pain by doing such things as choking herself with her own hands. Why?

Various aspects of childhood contributed to Marni's mental-emotional state. The one that stands out most in her memory is her home life. Over the years, burdens that Dad carried, some spoken, some unspoken, had him turning to alcohol more and more for solace, which led to Mom growing in hurt and frustration and being stretched to the point of almost breaking. Although they loved each other, the situation naturally led to explosions of anger and arguments that led to chaos. Anger also spilled over onto the kids and, at times, resulted in sudden, unexpected punishments and other occurrences that can shock, confuse and hurt a child. I want to emphasize once again that there is not one ounce of judgement or condemnation in this sharing of our past, only forgiveness and a desire to help anyone who may have been affected by similar circumstances. There is hope. There is help. There is healing.

Ironically, also in her earliest memories, Marni new that Jesus was her friend. One might expect that this friendship would have made everything alright in Marni's soul; however, it did not. Instead, it serves to illustrate that walking with God is a journey, and deep wounds don't necessarily simply heal with time. Marni's spiritual friendship kept her from ever considering suicide as an option, but it did not automatically remove her despair, although that has been known to happen in other cases. The human soul (mind, will and emotions) is complex and often compelled by influences of which a person may be completely unaware. Sometimes God needs to take us to a place where he can show us what is wrong and how to become well.